


Uncertainty bids me be silent

by wewillalwaysenduphere



Series: The Hamilton Challenge: The Other 51 [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: F/F, F/M, Law School, M/M, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2017-09-14
Packaged: 2018-12-29 21:09:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12093483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wewillalwaysenduphere/pseuds/wewillalwaysenduphere
Summary: The relationship of Aaron Burr and Jonathan Bellamy through College, Law School and after.Aaron is a prodigy, a supernova, a star too bright to look at, and Jonathan seems to enjoy getting burned.





	Uncertainty bids me be silent

**Author's Note:**

> The title is taken from the letter Bellamy wrote to Burr (quoted beneath.)  
> Enjoy!

 

_“Curse on this vile distance between us. I am restless to tell you everything, but uncertainty, whether you would ever hear it, bids me be silent, till in some future happy meeting I may hold you to my bosom, and impart every emotion of my heart.”_

**\- Jonathan Bellamy to Aaron Burr. Norwich, March 3rd, 1776.**

 

 

i.

The first time Jonathan Bellamy met Aaron Burr was in Princeton college. It had been strange, him, twenty years old, Aaron seventeen, and yet, there wasn’t a single moment in which Jonathan had felt superior.

Jonathan knew he was intelligent, knew he deserved to be where he was, knew that Harvard Law was his goal and a goal he could reach. But Aaron? Aaron might seem quiet and shy to everyone who didn’t know him, his brilliance almost hidden behind his modesty. Aaron never made himself the centre of attention although he easily could have – often was despite his attempts to steer the conversation in another direction. And that had been when he was seventeen.

Jonathan graduated Princeton with twenty-three, the same time as Aaron, who was only twenty by then.

They got to know each other in Princeton, and more often than not, it wasn’t Jonathan who explained to a younger Aaron what to do for his next assignment – it was often Aaron scanning Jonathan’s notes and adding ideas and reminders.

Jonathan knew Aaron was gifted, and despite the fact he was so much more brilliant than Jonathan himself, for some reason Aaron decided to keep him around. They got fake IDs together, went to clubs, had all-night study sessions. They made a great team, they we’re great friends, until the day that one of his other friends asked Jonathan, “So, you’re fucking Little Burr?”

He wasn’t, because Aaron had only turned eighteen recently, and back then he didn’t even know if Aaron was gay, but the thought stayed with him. Aaron never expressed any kind of interest, but Jonathan started realizing that he was beautiful, the way he’d close his eyes to think, the way he’d bite his lip, his long and slender fingers typing away quickly on his laptop, his full lips and onyx eyes.

Jonathan had fallen for Aaron Burr before they’d known each other for a year.

 

ii.

“Aaron? I didn’t know you would be taking this course.”

Jonathan was surprised, but he made a gesture that was meant to ask whether the place next to Aaron was still empty, and he received a nod, so he allowed himself to sit. The course wasn’t for sophomores, but Aaron was right here, and the professor nodded at him when he walked in.

“I decided to take on some additional courses, see if I can graduate in three years instead of four.”

“Oh,” John answered, rather ineloquent, somehow feeling inferior, not that Aaron had ever needed his help with anything, but it had been good to know he was – technically – a few steps ahead. That was a stupid thing to believe, he realized, because Aaron somehow already knew what the lecture was about, asked questions the professor had problems answering and he barely took any notes.

“Dinner this evening?” Aaron looked up at him expectantly, long eyelashes distracting Jonathan, but not as bad as they used to.

“Sure,” he agreed, “Chinese?”

Aaron grinned, “Yes, please.”

 _Please_ , he said, as if there was anything Bellamy wouldn’t do for him.

That evening, Aaron grinned when he saw the numbers scrawled on the take-out boxes.

“You remembered my favourite.”

“Course I did. Can you get the cutlery?”

“Sure.”

They ate together in front of the TV, watched the first season of Fargo on Netflix, and Aaron told him tiredly about talking to the Dean about his course schedule. _He’s so young_ , Jonathan reminded himself, but it’s not like Aaron needed anyone to look out for him, he surely would never ask for it. Jonathan was the only one who even knew that Aaron struggled sometimes, for everyone else he had that perfect smile and flawless façade, and Jonathan knew it was a privilege he got to see Aaron like this.

 

iii.

When they graduated Princeton, they got incredibly drunk. Technically, Aaron wasn’t allowed to drink, but no one asked for his ID when he was with the other graduates, and that night was brilliant, because  a drunk Aaron was an open Aaron, less façade and more character, and those who never really got to know him were now discussing with Aaron, they were betting and drinking and dancing and Jonathan could finally unite Aaron with his other friends, even if it was just for the night.

“Are you gonna make a move?” Terry asked Jonathan with a ton of voice that implied if Jonathan wasn’t intending to, he would.

“Yeah,” he answered, and he only felt a little bad for his lie, because keeping Terry from Aaron was worth lying. Not that he wouldn’t want to take Aaron home, hell, if he could just have a dance or a kiss – but that wasn’t how their friendship worked, they’d never even shared a bed, and Jonathan couldn’t risk losing Aaron over something like this.

Terry shrugged, wished him good luck and was off, and Jonathan went back to Aaron telling a story about that one professor, Gaines, who everyone hated. It was a funny story, and he laughed, but his heart was heavy. Aaron was beautiful, and at some point, he would find someone.

At 3 am, he was the one to take Aaron home, but Aaron was drunk and laughed at everything.

“John, John, you see Paul throw up? He made a bet with Tiffany about who could drink more, and damn, he was so sure he would win, but she completely destroyed him-“

Aaron babbling on about alcohol was definitely a first, and Jonathan decided to keep this memory filed away for darker hours.

“You’re drunk too.”

“But I can handle myself.”

Aaron looked up at him, eyes clear, and Jonathan would have never doubted that statement. No one could handle themselves like Aaron could.

When Jonathan put Aaron to bed, only taking off his shoes – he didn’t want it to be awkward in the morning, and this was his room, he didn’t have a couch, so they would have to share the bed – Aaron suddenly grabbed his arm, his face serious, looking almost sober.

“Are you coming to Harvard with me?”

The question made warmth curl inside Jonathan’s heart, made it spread into his whole body.

“Yes,” he answered, the only answer he could ever give to Aaron. “Yes, of course.”

Aaron smiled, that honest, open smile that was reserved for Jonathan and Theodosia.

“Good,” Aaron murmured, “Good. Sweet dreams.”

And when Jonathan laid down, Aaron curled into his side, warm and sleepy and soft and Jonathan wrapped an arm around him and fought a war against himself for almost an hour, before pressing a soft kiss to his forehead, the skin just as smooth as it looked. Aaron was asleep, eyes closed, and the moonlight made him look almost ethereal.

 _In Moonlight Black Boys Look Blue_ , Jonathan thought, _Tarell Alvin McCraney_. Aaron had always loved that play.

 

iv.

Aaron found someone at Harvard Law School.

Alexander Hamilton was loud, obnoxious, the complete opposite of Aaron in every way, but just as bright, just as brilliant.

Jonathan was the one Aaron talked to about Alex.

“He has a reputation. Apparently, he takes someone different home every night. I’m not just gonna be a notch in his bed post.”

Aaron was pacing, thinking about how to get to Alexander Hamilton. Using the single-minded focus that had got him here, and Jonathan knew Aaron would come up with something although just this once, he wished that Aaron would fail. Alexander Hamilton was beautiful, and he could see why Aaron would want him, but pining for someone and not being able to have them wasn’t as bad as knowing they loved someone else.

“Why not just ask him out? Take the initiative. Make sure you have an unforgettable evening. Bring him home, kiss his cheek and don’t sleep with him. He’ll be back for more.”

 _They always are_ , he didn’t add.

By now Aaron was sitting on his bed, cross-legged.

“You know more about this than I do. You have more experience,” Aaron mused, and Jonathan nodded slightly. At least in that department his few more years were an advantage.

“Is there someone in your life?”

Aaron was genuinely interested, and Jonathan could only shake his head.

“No, there hasn’t been in quite some time. Maybe I’ll be lucky here as well?”

He chuckled, but Aaron got up and smiled at him.

“I’m sure you will. Any man would be lucky to have you.”

After that, they sat on the small couch in Aaron’s room and watched the old Star Trek show, the first one, back when the scenery was horrible and the Enterprise looked like a toy for children. Aaron fell asleep with his head on Jonathan’s shoulder, and the feeling was so bittersweet, Jonathan enjoyed it for almost an hour before he decided to wake Aaron up and tell him he would be leaving for tonight.

Their life in Harvard was almost like in Princeton, they studied together, spent the evenings together, partied together. At some point, Alexander became Aaron’s boyfriend, and Jonathan hated the guy’s guts, but he played nice, and got to stay Aaron’s friend.

They didn’t spend as much time together, but Jonathan had expected that. Alexander was now the one Aaron spoke to when he needed to talk, and he was only a friend. But he was fine. He had been fine for years, and he was just as fine now.

 

v.

“I love Aaron.”

Jonathan blurted it out after half a bottle of cheap wine on a movie night with Theodosia, and she looked at him with nothing but compassion.

“I know,” she said, and Jonathan couldn’t help but laugh, an ugly, mirthless laugh, because of course Theodosia had known.

“Since when?”

“Ever since that night where we watched Star Wars and he put his feet in your lap. You sat like a statue, avoided touching him at all costs. After that, it was obvious.”

He nodded, fair enough.

“Do you think he knows?”

Theodosia took her time to answer, she sipped some wine, her eyes resting on Jonathan like the weight of the world.

“Come on, tell me.”

“Honestly, it’s hard to say. If I can figure it out, so can he, but I think when it comes to you he’s kind of blind.”

Jonathan raised an eyebrow.

“Blind how?”

She sighed.

“You were the first friend he made in Princeton. When no one knew how to handle a seventeen-year-old that was cleverer than them you became his friend. He looks at you like you’re the sun. How can you love him and not see that?”

Jonathan did believe her, but he couldn’t believe what she was implying.

“You’re saying he loved me at some point?”

Theodosia shrugged.

“I’m not sure. I don’t think it’s romantic love, sorry. But I know that you’re important to him, maybe more important than his boyfriend.”

There were many ways to react to this – denial was the one that seemed especially alluring, considering that believing her would mean accepting Aaron saw him as some kind of big brother.

“You don’t have to deal with this now.”

Theodosia saved him from his thoughts by filling up his wine glass, then her own, and she stayed with him until they were both drunk out of their minds.

“If we were straight, this would be the moment to kiss,” she giggled when they were both laying in his bed, and he started laughing along.

“If I were straight, I’d totally date you,” he answered, and they giggled another ten minutes before falling asleep like that.

In the morning John’s head hurt and he felt horrible, but it was better than the night before.

 

vi.

Aaron was happy, and that was all that mattered, John decided. Aaron was happy with Alexander, and he couldn’t change it. It wasn’t like there weren’t enough men on campus interested in him, so he simply went on a few dates with other men, had some one night stands, even managed to go on more than two dates with a guy called Louis, but that was about it. He couldn’t change the fact he was in love with Aaron, but he could change the fact that he spent his evenings home alone pining after a man he would never have.

Alexander Hamilton was still a pain in his ass, but he spent more time with him, Aaron and his gang, so he slowly started to see why Aaron put up with every annoying thing Hamilton did.

Theodosia was always there when he needed her to talk, and her new girlfriend Angelica was truly amazing. She quickly became a close friend of Jonathan as well, and he spent a lot of evenings together with them. Angelica told him that Eliza had a crush on Alex too, and something in her voice made it clear that she had either seen through him or Theo had told her what was going on.

Either way, he was dealing. It wasn’t perfect, but it was getting better, and Aaron was still giving him those bright smiles, Aaron still came over to watch Game of Thrones with him instead of Alex, Aaron still stayed over night and read his notes and gave him pointers.

It was all good, right until the day it wasn’t.

 

vii.

It all went to hell after Aaron found out Alexander had started sleeping with Elisabeth Schuyler a few months into their relationship. Jonathan talked to Angelica later and found out she hadn’t known. He had been angry, and accusing, but Angelica seemed just as confused as he was.

Aaron dumped Alex first thing, and although Jonathan was happy they were through, he would have never wanted this for Aaron. Because even though he was the one Aaron came back to, he would have rather seen him happy with Alex than crying on his couch.

“I swore I wouldn’t be just another name on his list. I should have known better. I was so naïve, so stupid…”

Jonathan was sitting next to Aaron, didn’t know what to do or to say, so he just pulled him in, and Aaron cried against his shoulder, wrapped his arms around him and allowed sobs to shake his body. Oh, Aaron must have really loved Hamilton. Jonathan was about ready to shoot that bastard.

“You’re not stupid, you’re not naïve. Love does that to people. We make stupid decisions. We make mistakes. We act despite what we know to be true. You’re not the first one and you won’t be the last one to make this experience.”

Aaron looked up at him, long eyelashes wet with tears, biting his lip, his onyx eyes filled with despair. Bellamy wanted to kiss him, hold him, tell him he was loved and would always be loved and Alexander Hamilton was a son of a whore who never deserved him anyway. But Aaron relied on him, and he couldn’t take advantage of this situation. So they lied down on the couch, and Jonathan let Aaron be the little spoon while they re-watched old Star Trek episodes, those that were like bad fanfiction on screen.

Jonathan fell asleep before Aaron, so he didn’t realize the other man turned around and looked at him, smiling sadly.

“You love me and you never made a stupid mistake, John.”

When John woke up in the morning, Aaron was already gone.

 

viii.

[Jonathan {9:56am}] Aaron? You alright?

[Aaron {10:02am}] Yeah, of course. I’m good, don’t worry.

[Jonathan {10:04am}] Your boyfriend cheated on you, you spent the last night crying at my place, you disappear in the morning. Of course I am concerned.

[Aaron {10:07am}] I’m fine, really. I just needed some time. I went to the gym, got a good workout in.

[Jonathan {10:09am}] You know you can always talk to me, right? If you need anything, just call.

[Aaron {10:10am}] Will do. Thanks, John.

[Jonathan {10:12am}] That’s what friends are for, right?

[Aaron {draft}] Yes, but…I’m so sorry I can’t be more for you than that. I wish it could just be you and me, because I know you would never cheat on me – you would never do that to me. I’m so sorry, Bell.

[Aaron {10:16am}] True. I’ll call you, might need a drink tonight ;)

[Jonathan {10:18am}] That sounds like a plan, looking forward to it :)

 

ix.

“Jus’ one more shot, Bell, pleeaasee?”

Aaron was drunk out of his mind, and Jonathan was far away from sober himself, but he had to get Aaron home safe, and the way he was leaning into his side, resting almost his while weight on Jonathan made it clear that even more shot was out of the question.

“No, Aaron, no. We need to get you home. Now.”

Aaron looked at him with huge, pleading eyes, and he pressed a soft kiss to Bellamy’s cheek.

“Pleeaase. Come on, John, one more. That can’t hurt, hmm?”

And Jonathan was torn, because he hated to see disappointment in Aaron’s eyes, and he still felt Aaron’s lips on his cheek as if he had been burned, but he shook his head.

“No further discussion. You’re drunk. We’re leaving.”

Aaron kept complaining, but John got him into his jacket and out of the bar, and then they were stumbling home, to John’s dorm room, and he really hoped that Aaron wouldn’t feel too bad in the morning, that he wouldn’t have to throw up, that his cheek started feeling as if he was branded.

“I’m sorry,” Aaron said when they were finally inside John’s room, and he was standing by himself, looking almost sober for a moment.

“I’m sorry for being such an annoyance. I know it’s not how you know me, but…I really loved Alex. I did. He was everything I’m not and that just drew me in. I thought that maybe, if I become a little more like him, things would be easier. That I could have more friends, that I could fit in better. I love you and Theo, of course, but I was always the odd man out in Princeton. Here, I just wanted to belong.”

It hurt, but Jonathan would be lying if he said he didn’t understand what was going on. Aaron had always been in a position where it was hard to fit in, and Alexander Hamilton had been very similar to him when one looked at their academic careers, but Hamilton was a little older, had never been as isolated as Aaron. So he was simultaneously someone who was Aaron’s intellectual equal, and someone who could introduce him to a large group of friends.

“I understand, Aaron. And believe me, if I could change what happened, I would, in a heartbeat. All I want is for you to be happy.”

Aaron nodded, tears shining in his eyes. “I know, John, I know.”

There’s silence between them, and it’s filled with all the things Aaron knows and John knows he knows and the mutual understanding that saying them would only create a wound that didn’t need to exist. There was no need to tear something open when it could just stay closed. So John stepped forward, wrapped an arm around Aaron, and led him to his bed, helped him undress.

“I’ll take the couch,” he murmured, and Aaron, who had gone back to drunk out of his mind reached for his hand and said, “Stay.”

When had John ever been able to deny Aaron? His answer would always be yes, no matter what Aaron asked. He undressed, and allowed Aaron to cuddle into his shoulder, welcoming the bittersweet sensations that he’d come to expect whenever Aaron was this close.

He didn’t sleep that night, but in the morning, Aaron stayed, and they had breakfast and they talked about the essay that was due next week and John realized that maybe it was time to let Aaron go.

 

x.

Aaron finished Law School before Bellamy, and although he was proud of him, there was a certain bitterness that came with being left behind.

He left you behind years ago, a mean little voice told him, and they both knew it was the truth.

Aaron got hired in Washington right away, by a company called Jefferson & Madison, and it was one of those law companies that everyone wanted to go to. Bellamy finished his studies, he followed Aaron’s career, watched him argue cases on tv and smiled to himself when people called his best friend the rising star of the courts. Aaron didn’t lose, and Bellamy wasn’t surprised. He got a job in New York, close to Aaron, but not in the same city.

He had offers in Washington, but the one in New York was the best, and as much as he would have loved to stay close to Aaron – there was no point, with Aaron working around the clock and making his way into high society.

So Bellamy went to New York, and their phone calls became fewer, they rarely texted, until the day when John called Aaron three times at eight pm, just like they’d said, only to receive a hastily typed text that Aaron was in a meeting. After that, Aaron seemed to avoid his calls, and although Bellamy didn’t know why, he could understand the signal.

The next time he saw Aaron on TV, he wasn’t alone. The man by his side was stunning, attractive in every way, and John smiled and went out and got drunk and laid.

It was time to leave Aaron Burr behind.

 

xi.

When they meet again, it is, ironically, at Alexander Hamilton’s funeral twenty years later.

The ceremony was touching, Eliza was beautiful in her black dress, but her eyes were hollow. The marriage must have been lucky, despite Alex cheating on her sometime after their tenth anniversary. Bellamy hadn’t known that, but someone had eagerly told him earlier. Now, people were milling about, drinking, exchanging stories about Alexander and there were plenty of them. Enough to have this going till dawn.

Jonathan met Aaron at the bar, and Aaron was still gorgeous. Still fit, the suit he was wearing surely tailored especially for him because suits off the rack didn’t fit like this.  He had stopped actively following Aaron’s career, but he was one of the top lawyers in the states, and occasionally, it was impossible not to hear about his cases.

“Hey,” Jonathan said, casually, leaning against the bar to order a whiskey, neat. “Make it double,” he added, when Aaron turned around to him and offered one of his rare honest smiles.

“Jonathan…it’s been a while. Good to see you.”

They shook hands, and Bellamy realized Aaron was not wearing a wedding ring. While that’s interesting to note, it didn’t really matter, because there was a ring on his own hand, and a husband, a daughter and a son waiting for him at home.

Talking to Aaron was, surprisingly, still easy, although they focused on work at first.

“You’re married?”, Aaron asked twenty minutes into the conversation, and with a soft smile, Johnathan nodded.

“Yes. His name is Ian, we met nineteen years ago. He’s a lawyer too, and for once, everything worked out wonderfully. I proposed to him three years later, and now we’re married and have two amazing kids.”

Aaron reacted visibly surprised to that.

“You have kids?”

Bellamy laughed, the faint lines around his eyes becoming visible.

“Yeah, we do. We both wanted to, and although adoption really wasn’t easy, were not lawyers for nothing. They’re called Alison and James and they mean the world to me.”

Jonathan he might have been wrong, but for a moment, he imagined to see something like regret flicker in Aaron’s eyes.

“What about you?”

Aaron looked at his drink, blinked slowly and took another sip before answering.

“I was engaged once, but it didn’t work out. He said I worked too much. I wasn’t ready to kiss my career goodbye and he left. I guess I can’t blame him.”

“I understand,” John replied immediately, because part of him still wanted to be there for Aaron at every point of his life. “If I had had the opportunities you had, I probably would have done the same. I mean, pretty much everyone here went to Harvard but you’re the one who really made it.”

Aaron smiled at him, finished his drink and shook his head.

“I’m sorry for avoiding you, John. It was stupid. You really were my best friend.”

That shouldn’t sting, not after all this time, not with his awesome husband and his beautiful children waiting at home. But it did. The pain, however, wasn’t sharp or searing or burning hot. It was distant, like a nail pressing into a scar long healed. Aaron was part of his history, would always be part of his history. Ian knew about him. Ian had his own Aaron. They were almost fifty now, no one was without their scars.

There was nothing he could say to that. Yes, you should have accepted my call? Instead, he just smiled.

“You were busy, Aaron, I understand.”

And maybe, maybe this was a different form of cruelty, this easy forgiveness, as if it hadn’t broken his heart all those years ago. Aaron’s smile was pained, and although it would look perfect to everyone else in this room, Jonathan just knew him too well. Unwillingly, he’d gotten his revenge.

“Can I buy you a drink?”

A nice offer, and Jonathan was about to agree without even thinking about – he had never been able to say no to Aaron. But now he shook his head. A first time for everything, as they said.

“It’s already late, I don’t want to make Ian wait even longer.”

Aaron accepted graciously, nodded and ordered only for himself.

“Get home safe,” he said. Bellamy nodded, leaned forward and hugged Aaron, was surprised when the man pulled him in just a little tighter.

“Call me sometime?”

Bellamy nodded, but he wasn’t sure whether he would. He got home, made sure Alison and James were sleeping soundly before crawling into bed with Ian.

“How’d it go?”

“Hm”, Jonathan made, and Ian wrapped himself around him.

“It’s okay if you don’t wanna talk about it.”

“It was better than I thought it would be,” he admitted. “It hurt less.”

“Good,” Ian said, turned around and kissed him. It made Jonathan relax, made him feel safe.

Aaron was a mystery he had been chasing this for years, this was the man he would spent the rest of his life with. And that was the end of this story.

 

_(xii._

_“Get home safe,” he said. Bellamy nodded, leaned forward and hugged Aaron, was surprised when the man pulled him in just a little tighter._

_“I was too young and blind to see what we could have been,” Aaron whispered into his shoulder, and Jonathan was torn between huffing a laugh and blinking away the tears welling up in his eyes. Instead, he just shook his head, looked at him with pleading eyes. Don’t do this to me._

_And this time Aaron was the one who whispered, “I understand.”)_

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it, if so, leave comments & kudos :)


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